Social Anxiety and WLS

I'm looking at how my WLS has intensified my feelings of social anxiety. I've always been shy. I break our of it at points, and some people think I'm really extroverted. But thoughts like "I'm so  different from other people." and "You have to be beautiful to be liked" "You have to be perfectly healthy for anyone to want to be with you" still plague me, and I think I second guess what people might be thinking more and more now that my body is changing. Of course, this was expected, but dealing with it is a challenge. I called a cognitive behavioral therapist this morning and he has a group starting soon, which could be very helpful. I don't even know why I care what other people think of me, but there it is: I do care. 

I've never gotten much attention from the opposite sex, and while I make a huge effort now to put myself out there, I still have huge doubts, and they're constantly reinforced by what people say. When I first started dating my ex-boyfriend, I told him I rarely got much attention from guys, but he said he was certain the interest was there, but that they just wouldn't tell me. That really surprised me, but, duh, how many people have I had crushes on but would be mortified if they ever found out? I was eating dinner with some people the other night and when this cute girl at our table went to the bathroom, one of my male friends said to the other, "why don't you ask her out, you idiot?" and my other friend said he already had, she didn't want to see him other than socially. There's that part of me that wishes someone would say that about me sometime, but I have this idea that they would never, ever say that about someone who's my size, or at least the size I was a few months ago. Is this belief true; if it is, does it even matter? If it isn't, why do I let it affect how I feel?

I got together with my ex-boyfriend when I was svelt, but I know he'd seen me larger before, so I made the assumption that he was okay with women who weren't perfectly thin. When he started calling me a "beached whale" repeatedly and was ever-so-unhelpful when it came to the choices I made in treating my my eating disorder, I should have gotten the clue that that assumption was dead wrong. But it took a while to leave the security of that relationship (almost 4 years ago, and I've done lots of emotional work since then), and I do feel like I was very scarred by those hateful words and lack of compassion. And I've had so many men tell me, directly and indirectly, that they would be more attracted to me if only I was smaller (yes, more than 5 men have done this). And I know many people who honestly believe that it's immoral to be fat. I always tell myself it doesn't matter what other people think, I'm wonderful anyway, but when other people say the opposite and I feel invisible, it reinforces this big fear I have of loneliness. It's really hard to convince myself that not everyone thinks the same way, to convince myself that it doesn't matter what they think, yada yada...And it's weird because I consider myself healthy emotionally, would like a relationship but don't have to have one, am very involved in self-enriching activities. I feel like on the surface, in public, I act all strong in front of people, especially men, like I don't care about relationships, or lack thereof, and sometimes I really don't, but then I have this deep pain that wells up in me often that is so hard to shake. How do I shake it and just be content being ME? Is it confronting those negative feelings every time they come up? Is it making the commitment to introduce myself to one new person every week just for practice and strike up a conversation?

Good am Clara,

I read this last pm but took the pm to really think it over. Have you considered seeking counseling to talk through what you are experiecing and feeling? On some level I think we all care what others think because everyone wants acceptance and approval. Years of comments like "beached whale" and situations where others are constantly doted on can leave us feeling worthless and we can 2nd guess ourselves & our decisions. Emotional and mental abuse are hard habits to break away from because it is what we've come to know. I see many similarities in yourself and myself. Many think I'm incredibly strong in person and in conversation but what lies beneath is a maze of complications.

What's worked for me is surrounding myself with nurturing, supportive people & I stay clear of the ones who obviously do NOT have my best interests in their hearts. I've had MAJOR ups & downs before & after having WLS (weight loss surgery) and honestly its all about lessons taught & learned. I would highly suggest finding a local support group, seeking counseling & reaching out to folks you trust and YES to the confronting negative feelings when they arise. That's a hard thing for me as well. I wish you the best!

Thanks for your thoughtfulness. It's time to move beyond talk therapy to cognitive behavioral therapy. I've had therapists since college, and it's nice to have a listening ear, but it focuses more on "who's done me wrong" than what I'm going to change and breaking the thought patterns. Of course, I've done much of this on my own, but some guidance will be hugely helpful. The only reason I haven't done much of it before is because I haven't found practitioners that take insurance, but hopefully I can work it in, because you're right, the memories of some of this stuff is too much to just let go of easily.

I hear ya and understand completely. For me, its now focusing on what I'm personally holding onto versus what others have said/done to me. I need to work on why I don't let go and what keeps me holding on. We play a role in everything as well and what others have done & will do we just do not have control over. But, we do have control over our actions/inactions. Sincerely wish you the best in finding someone decent to work through all this with. :)

I know in the past, I've allowed others to reinforce my own fears ("see, so and so thinks being fat is immoral, therefore, I'll never find a date.") Totally flawed logic, but negativity feeding on negativity. Of course we play a role - I've often thought, when I want someone to pay attention to me, do I look up and smile? No, because I think they'll think I'm hiting on them or something. It sound ridiculous intellectually, but makes perfect sense when yo're in the situation.

I see things that way as well. Although for me I tend to be very outgoing, friendly, flirty, smiling all the time, playing around. Its just me. But, when I'm out of the situation I tend to process the whole thing in my head - did I make sense? was I really funny? did they really enjoy my company? and more. It does not sound ridiculous to me. I too have allowed others to reinforce my fears because lets face it when you are told things over & over again you tend to begin believing those things. You've really got me thinking this am. I'm appreciative of our back and forths. :)

Sometimes I am outgoing, but yes, I also process it later, did I go over the top, do they think I'm a freak...???

And many times when I thought they would think that, they don't. And sometimes I get blindsided by people aI think would NEVER feel badly about me and come to find out they hate my guts. So, it's hard to predict OTHER people's reactions.

I got an email a few days ago from a guy I wrote online. He thanked me for the beautiful letter and said he thought he may have found someone...yada yada. And this is how sensitive I am to rejection even though I'll pretend otherwise - I cried! That deep psychic pain that wells up. Of COURSE it wasn't about this guy, but it was about rejection itself and the deep scars my raction to it have left, from my father, from a boyfriend I thought would love me unconditionally, even from my workaholic mother. How funny that one little thoughtful email could set all that off, but of course I would be mortified if a guy ever knew that i responded that way, beause we're "supposed" to let rejection flow right over us.

The worst thing about this surgery is it does NOTHING to change our mental outlook. We know WE have to do that. And you are. :) Give yourself some time to feel more comfortable in your new body. It's still changing and this is only the beginning. Men who only like thin women are missing out on the wonderful women of substance in the world. We were worth knowing and loving when we carried our extra weight....and we're just as worth it NOW. If you meet the shallow Hal's of the world, its always a let down to discover that such an interesting guy can't see beyond the OUTSIDE shell of a woman. I've always said "Life is too short to dance with ugly men"...most ppl don't realize I mean ugly on the INside.

You are an incredible creature. Don't settle for less in a man or a friend. We all deserve the best life has to offer. Lord knows we've been through enough hell already!  :)

Hugs,
Marie

Thanks, sweetie. Yes, otherwise smart, interesting guys that can't see beyond the outside shell of a woman...how true. It does help narrow down the pool, though :) I know, we all have preferences, there has to be physical attraction, yada yada, but sometimes you just want to be seen for who you really are and it's hard not to have that be important at some level.

Very true...just keep in mind that seeing a person for who and what they are takes time and real work. The ones who are willing to work at it to know YOU are the ones more worthy of YOUR time and attention.  Nothing worth having is easy, is it??